"To Our Hiring Manager"

To Hiring Manager:
I was recently laid off from my position at Arbys for stealing, sexual harassment, making racist jokes, and being allergic to overtime.

I was wondering if you guys are hiring. I have been in the fashion industry for many years I was head designer at Jordache, Cross Colors, and came up with the name FUBU people think it means “For Us By Us” but it actually means “For Ukrainians By Ukrainians”. I’m also the inventor of the doublesided corndog. I do graffiti too, my tag name is Lark Scooter because I weigh 400lbs and that’s what I cruise around on. You can see my work in any Home Town Buffet bathroom from here to Bakersfield. I have to wear mesh shirts during the summer to keep cool so please do not stare at my third nipple.
I also took an on-line course called “Bedazzle your way to millions”. This should come in handy because I notice that you guys don’t have any hats with fake jewels on them, also I don’t see any denim hats in your line either. What gives, no love for Canadians? I can only work part-time because I am quite the entrepreneur and have many business interests I do erotic foot massages on Thursday and Friday nights but my passion is kids and animals so I also breed and fight pit bulls and I have a daycare center on the same piece property. I can start A.S.A.P. that means as soon as possible. They about to lock me up again unless I get a job. Please hook a brotha up.

Our reply:
“You’re hired, We’ve reviewed your skills and qualifications and feel that you’d be a perfect fit for our Bakersfield flagship store opening this holiday. The store will feature a “left-handed” graff wall. All tags have to be thrown up using your left hand. The patent pending Official hat stretcher and super visor molder will be there. In fact we are coming out with a five panel hat that you will be the project manager for that the ends of the visor are molded so extreme that the ends actually touch each other. Total taco. Sales might be a little slow in Bakersfield for our hats at first so we will be asking you to take whatever we don’t sell during the week to the flea market and set up shop every saturday and sunday. You’ll be right next to the dude that sells Mac Dre and gangsta Popeye XXXL t-shirt dresses.
Glad to have you on the team.